Tag Archives: plants

Revisiting Pendulums

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Have you ever heard of the phenomenon known as horror vacui (sometimes referred to as kenophobia)? It’s the fear of blank or open space. I “diagnosed” myself with horror vacui decades back. I say this somewhat jokingly as I don’t experience the fear of open spaces as pathology, but more as a tendency I’ve seen in myself. I first noticed it almost 30 years ago in my collage creations. Over time, I’ve become aware of how this pattern shows up in other arenas of my day-to-day life, particularly when it comes to my calendar and schedule. I’ve also come to understand more about why I may fear open space: a terror that within the emptiness I may find an abyss of depression. I’ve even realized how I cling to emotions like sadness because I am actually afraid of the emptiness that releasing these feelings might leave in me.

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Awe Embodied

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Leer este post en español.

120 months (ten years) ago today, I moved to Mexico. One year and two days ago, I started to share openly that I was pregnant. Four days ago, my husband’s mom died. It is almost inconceivable to me that in less than 6 months, Yeyo lost his son and his mother… and both of them, so very unexpectedly. I only know how it has been for me, the departure of my mother-in law, María Ofelia Arruti Hernández. I can only talk about the way that one grief touches and stirs the other. I can only share that every time I imagine Ofelia on “the other side,” I see Rafa in her arms, the two of them smiling and enjoying themselves. Every time I think of this, I weep. They are tears of sadness and joy, pure emotion. I have no idea if a place like heaven exists. I doubt it. But it gives me so much solace thinking of Rafa with his grandma, that I am forced to suspend my disbelief.

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