Tag Archives: sadness

Happiness, Sadness: Words that Die in my Hands

Making space for creative expression supports me to reconnect with a sense of innate self dignity. But over and over I choose to put my attention elsewhere. Is my sense of self-worth so threatening that I feel compelled to spend my time, mental energy and life force in ways that negate dignity?

I’ve been stewing, brooding, bemoaning, stressing out and feeling incredibly stuck, fragmented and confused for the better part of this year. Writing and sharing that writing are supportive metabolic practices that nourish my emotional, mental and perhaps even physical health. Yet I’ve felt incapable of creating anything cohesive or complete or compelling with words. My soul feels battered around by time and the state of our world. As Kronos marches forward, more and more events happen and the number of ideas and experiences I wish to weave into these posts grows. Thoughts accumulate and overwhelm every corner of my mind and heart. Each time I come to the page, it’s as if the words — so alive in the moment they arose as thoughts — have perished in my hands, leaving just ash and bones behind.

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End of the World as We Know It

I used to love that old R.E.M. tune “It’s the End of the World as We Know It.” You know the one:

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine

Some weeks ago, I started singing those lines in my head. Apart from the chorus, the rest of the song is a rapid rattling off of what seems – at times – to be nonsense and at other moments, profound political commentary. That’s what life has felt like these past three months: crazy, intense things happening too quickly to even fathom ‘keeping up’ with them. Flying around the world from one continent to the next with fleeting days at home between trips.

There have been many things to write about and I have composed the first lines of more than one post in my mind. But, the beginning of the year seems to be the time that “In the Name of Rafa” hibernates. And that’s okay (at least that’s what I keep trying to make myself believe).

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Pendulums

Mostly these days, I’m doing badly. I’m not sharing this fact to elicit pity. In fact, it’s one of the things I least desire. Nor am I seeking advice on how to make it “through” this moment, nor how to fix/heal/find closure. It’s simply how I am.

For some months this fall, I felt a lot of tension and anxiety about how to navigate my relationship with the outside world following Rafael’s death. I’d say that some of my feeling badly now is still related to this: wondering how to reengage with the world, return to work, be with other people. But something has changed, settled down a little. Maybe I’m aware that other people aren’t thinking so much about how I am or feeling as uncomfortable around me because nearly five months have passed. (Note: I recognize that many ideas I have about other people and the external world-at-large are fantasies and projections that most likely exist only in my head.)

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