Lifedeath

August 19, 2025Uncategorizedchristianity, death, faith, grief, life, lifedeath, religion, stillbirthAerin

You know how aum — that most fundamental and potent seed (or bija) mantra — is made up of three sounds? As I understand it, the “Aaaaaaa…” is the sound of creation; “Uuuuuuu” represents the sustenance of that creation; and “Mmmmmm” the sound of destruction or the ending of creation. In other words, it’s the sound of death. I’ve noticed that often when I chant this mantra in groups, people seem to put a lot of emphasis on the first two sounds. Often the “mmmm” is truncated and, frankly, kinda weak sauce. For me, this is a perfect allegory for how many of us — steeped in the deathphobia of Western modernity — treat our own mortality, and endings in general. For this reason, I always make sure I leave plenty of breath in my lungs to close out my aum’s with a clear and humble: “Mmmmmmmmmm.”

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MEN-O-PAUSE

June 1, 2025Uncategorized#menopause, #middleage, bleeding, death, feelings, health, menopause, miscarriage, perimenopause, stillbirth, thresholds, transitions, wellness, womens-healthAerin

Today is officially Aerin’s MENOPAUSE DAY — at least according to western science or whatever. My last period ended one year ago yesterday, May 31st 2024. I only really know that because I happened to take a photo on June 2nd of the last menstrual blood I bled and will likely ever bleed.

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Ten Reasons

April 20, 2025UncategorizedAerin

Ten reasons I’m deeply grateful that I am not raising living children in these times (some more banal than others).

1. I never have to worry about feeling envious of my offspring.

2. I am a little less freaked out about the future because I do not have any direct descendants who have to navigate this fucksow of late-stage capitalism and the collapse of modernity. (This does not mean that I am not worried for my friends’ kids and my nephew. I am.)

3. I am not faced with the dilemma of whether or not to send my kids to school.

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Revisiting Pendulums

February 18, 2025Uncategorizeddepression, despair, emptiness, feelings, mania, medicine, plantdiet, plants, spaciousnessAerin

Have you ever heard of the phenomenon known as horror vacui (sometimes referred to as kenophobia)? It’s the fear of blank or open space. I “diagnosed” myself with horror vacui decades back. I say this somewhat jokingly as I don’t experience the fear of open spaces as pathology, but more as a tendency I’ve seen in myself. I first noticed it almost 30 years ago in my collage creations. Over time, I’ve become aware of how this pattern shows up in other arenas of my day-to-day life, particularly when it comes to my calendar and schedule. I’ve also come to understand more about why I may fear open space: a terror that within the emptiness I may find an abyss of depression. I’ve even realized how I cling to emotions like sadness because I am actually afraid of the emptiness that releasing these feelings might leave in me.

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Happiness, Sadness: Words that Die in my Hands

December 18, 2024Uncategorizedaffect, contentment, emotions, happiness, joy, presence, sadness, surrenderAerin

Making space for creative expression supports me to reconnect with a sense of innate self dignity. But over and over I choose to put my attention elsewhere. Is my sense of self-worth so threatening that I feel compelled to spend my time, mental energy and life force in ways that negate dignity?

I’ve been stewing, brooding, bemoaning, stressing out and feeling incredibly stuck, fragmented and confused for the better part of this year. Writing and sharing that writing are supportive metabolic practices that nourish my emotional, mental and perhaps even physical health. Yet I’ve felt incapable of creating anything cohesive or complete or compelling with words. My soul feels battered around by time and the state of our world. As Kronos marches forward, more and more events happen and the number of ideas and experiences I wish to weave into these posts grows. Thoughts accumulate and overwhelm every corner of my mind and heart. Each time I come to the page, it’s as if the words — so alive in the moment they arose as thoughts — have perished in my hands, leaving just ash and bones behind.

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50

March 31, 2024Uncategorized50, acceptance, birthdays, crises, death, despair, dread, entitlement, feelings, grief, illness, letting go, modernity, presence, releaseAerin

I am now 50 years old.

Things have not unfolded the way I planned or would have liked for this “big” birthday. The gifts I am receiving include hard lessons in surrendering control, expectation and entitlement. I see how the values of our smooth, shiny, superficial western modernity have left me wildly ill-equipped to navigate the grief and pain of this world (a world steeped in the very same value-systems, cosmovisions and ontologies). Over the past week, I’ve been offered repeated opportunities to abide with profound sadness and a sense of existential dread that just will not go away. Let’s face it: the fantasies of being separate, individualized cogs in the productivity machine of late-stage capitalism are crumbling; the illusions we’ve been led to believe about what constitutes success and what leads to happiness are rapidly disintegrating. To be passing into menopause and experiencing the emotional and hormonal storms of this life-stage at the same time that the world is facing such violent upheaval, destruction, rage and oppression is almost too much for my system to handle. I’m on the brink of a huge rupture. Or maybe I’m already in it.

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La Sirena: Union of Eros & Grief

July 20, 2023Uncategorized#eros #pleasure #grief #merpeople #sirena #descent #grief #mermaid #lineages #grace #water #myth #resistance #protectionAerin

On the Winter Solstice last December, I pulled an archetype card for the coming year. I was buoyed by the image that appeared to me: that of the mysterious and sensuous Siren. Kim Krans, creatrix of the deck writes: “…the Siren calls and the world spins. What we thought we wanted pales in comparison to the sweet allure of her song… She eats rules.” With the sighting of the mythic mermaid, I had the thought that my year would be filled with delicious, intimate explorations that would allow me to deepen the connection I’ve been cultivating with pleasure and sexuality for the past few years. But overall, in these past months, this has not been the case. I’ve mostly been in survival mode, dragging myself through the days, selling strollers, diapers and baby clothes to new parents and wondering, once again, what my life is even for.

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Ain’t No Normal

June 25, 2023Uncategorizedcomparison, cripculture, dead babies, disability, hyper-capability, motherhood, normality, stillbirthAerin

“Ain’t No Normal” was written for an online event/exploration in January, 2023 called What are We? as part of the Brave New Works festival. A group of friends came together to explore how disability and impairment are entangled with the construction of the ideal ‘human’. Learn more about the ongoing explorations and inquiries in the crip-queer landscape here. What follows is an edited version of the original piece.

My dear friends, I hate to break it to y’all but there ain’t no such thing as “normal.” If I turn the kaleidoscope of perception and begin relating with myself, other people and the other-than-human through this belief-lens, I destabilize one of the basic fundaments of ableism. I undermine its very logic: that there is some ideal human form that we should all be trying to squeeze ourselves into; that I have to smooth out and cover up my strange, rough edges or discombobulated mind. This also reminds me that there ain’t no “normal” way that I gotta talk about ableism or disability.

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Stuff

February 25, 2023The Story#stuff #lettinggo #grief #community #support #makingspace #fertility #childbirth #miscarriage #stillbirth #loss #rafasnameAerin

Sometimes, I don’t take into account how much material things weigh on me and occupy space on the psycho-emotional level. I was reading the fabulous adrienne maree brown’s Pleasure Activism and there’s an interview in there about fashion and feeling comfortable, pampered and confident in the clothes we wear. At one point, the interviewee talks about her experience with polycystic ovary syndrome and gaining a lot of weight in a short amount of time. Maori Karmael Holmes says: “I had been building a collection of beautiful things and suddenly couldn’t wear any of them. I moved around with bags of clothes for nearly a decade with the hope of wearing them again. Right before a cross-country move, I took stock of all of these things and realized these bags were physically weighing me down and that I needed to release them. So I did.”

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Tears Are Our Medicine

November 28, 2022Uncategorizedcrying, Day of the Dead, emotion, expression, grief, porosity, shame, tearsAerin

“I see you’re frustrated when I cry
I’m finding out how sacred as time goes by
Process, purify
I am lighter, much lighter

Look at my eyes and cry with me…
Let it all out, it’s meant to be
Tears are our medicine…

I see you’re frustrated
Yeah, you don’t cry
You’re finding out how sacred as time goes by
Process… purify
You’ll feel lighter, much lighter

Look at my eyes and cry with me…
Let it all out, it’s meant to be
Tears are our medicine”

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In the Name of Rafa

A space of grief and gratitude.

Lifedeath

MEN-O-PAUSE

Ten Reasons

Revisiting Pendulums

Happiness, Sadness: Words that Die in my Hands

50

La Sirena: Union of Eros & Grief

Ain’t No Normal

Stuff

Tears Are Our Medicine