Tag Archives: death

Lifedeath

August 19, 2025Uncategorizedchristianity, death, faith, grief, life, lifedeath, religion, stillbirthAerin

You know how aum — that most fundamental and potent seed (or bija) mantra — is made up of three sounds? As I understand it, the “Aaaaaaa…” is the sound of creation; “Uuuuuuu” represents the sustenance of that creation; and “Mmmmmm” the sound of destruction or the ending of creation. In other words, it’s the sound of death. I’ve noticed that often when I chant this mantra in groups, people seem to put a lot of emphasis on the first two sounds. Often the “mmmm” is truncated and, frankly, kinda weak sauce. For me, this is a perfect allegory for how many of us — steeped in the deathphobia of Western modernity — treat our own mortality, and endings in general. For this reason, I always make sure I leave plenty of breath in my lungs to close out my aum’s with a clear and humble: “Mmmmmmmmmm.”

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MEN-O-PAUSE

June 1, 2025Uncategorized#menopause, #middleage, bleeding, death, feelings, health, menopause, miscarriage, perimenopause, stillbirth, thresholds, transitions, wellness, womens-healthAerin

Today is officially Aerin’s MENOPAUSE DAY — at least according to western science or whatever. My last period ended one year ago yesterday, May 31st 2024. I only really know that because I happened to take a photo on June 2nd of the last menstrual blood I bled and will likely ever bleed.

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50

March 31, 2024Uncategorized50, acceptance, birthdays, crises, death, despair, dread, entitlement, feelings, grief, illness, letting go, modernity, presence, releaseAerin

I am now 50 years old.

Things have not unfolded the way I planned or would have liked for this “big” birthday. The gifts I am receiving include hard lessons in surrendering control, expectation and entitlement. I see how the values of our smooth, shiny, superficial western modernity have left me wildly ill-equipped to navigate the grief and pain of this world (a world steeped in the very same value-systems, cosmovisions and ontologies). Over the past week, I’ve been offered repeated opportunities to abide with profound sadness and a sense of existential dread that just will not go away. Let’s face it: the fantasies of being separate, individualized cogs in the productivity machine of late-stage capitalism are crumbling; the illusions we’ve been led to believe about what constitutes success and what leads to happiness are rapidly disintegrating. To be passing into menopause and experiencing the emotional and hormonal storms of this life-stage at the same time that the world is facing such violent upheaval, destruction, rage and oppression is almost too much for my system to handle. I’m on the brink of a huge rupture. Or maybe I’m already in it.

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We’re All Going to Die

August 13, 2022Uncategorizedaging, avoidance, death, defense, drama, emotions, family, feelings, parents, victim-consciousness, victimhoodAerin

Yes. We are all going to die.

What happens in you when you read those words? Take a moment. Yes, right now. Take a moment right now to notice how the sentence lands in your body, in your heart. Where does your mind go? How does it actually make you feel?

This is, perhaps, one of the only real truths in this world. Yet, somehow, I am just beginning to turn toward my own death in an honest way. My mortality has been some sort of an implicit companion throughout my life: an entity I know is present but that I rarely really acknowledge or honor. It appears that now is a good moment to do that. And it would seem a very apt time in the story of our planet and our species to do the same on a collective level.
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Entangled Time

January 11, 2021Uncategorizedbirth, colonization, death, entanglement, future, kairos, kronos, memory, moment, pachakuti, past, present, time, time travel, victimhoodAerin

Oh Sweet Jesus! Let’s talk about TIME! I spend a relatively large chunk of my waking hours wishing that kronos would speed the hell up so that these past four years might fade more rapidly into the background of my life. All the while, I beg for time to please, please SLOW DOWN because… well… apparently, there’s a biological time bomb ticking away in my ovaries. And underpinning all of it – especially throughout these past few months – I am tormented by a constant sense that there is never, NEVER EVER ENOUGH TIME. I’m harangued by a nagging voice reminding me constantly just how “behind” I am. My inner critic looks over my writing from the past year and shakes her head disapprovingly. Just four measly blogs? And this one itself has been in process for five months?

“Tsk. Tsk,” says time. (Or at least that’s what my mind tells me that time said.)

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Would I Give Anything?

July 23, 2020The Storyanniversary, attachment, bargaining, birth, change, cuarentena, death, desire, ego, entanglement, entitlement, friends, future, grief, love, TruthAerin

I remember the very moment I read Dr. Kay’s message. It was one of those rare nights when my husband went to bed before me. Though I would say that there was nothing “normal” about that time after Rafa’s birth. After the ceremony and the departure of my family. After that cleansing time at the ocean. Everything was rare. I was walking up the stairs, headed toward bed and reading messages on my phone. I was almost to the second floor when I came to Dr. Kay’s message. Carlos Alvarez (a.k.a. Dr. Kay) is our dear friend who was living across the ocean in South Africa when all of this took place. Over five weeks had passed since Rafa’s death and the texts, voice messages and emails were no longer as overwhelming as they had been at first. Roughly translated, the message read:

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End of the World as We Know It

April 18, 2020Uncategorizedchinese medicine, death, endings, expression, feelings, grief, life, lungs, miscarriage, sadnessAerin

I used to love that old R.E.M. tune “It’s the End of the World as We Know It.” You know the one:

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine

Some weeks ago, I started singing those lines in my head. Apart from the chorus, the rest of the song is a rapid rattling off of what seems – at times – to be nonsense and at other moments, profound political commentary. That’s what life has felt like these past three months: crazy, intense things happening too quickly to even fathom ‘keeping up’ with them. Flying around the world from one continent to the next with fleeting days at home between trips.

There have been many things to write about and I have composed the first lines of more than one post in my mind. But, the beginning of the year seems to be the time that “In the Name of Rafa” hibernates. And that’s okay (at least that’s what I keep trying to make myself believe).

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Griefwork: A Calling

October 15, 2019Uncategorizedanniversary, calling, clarity, connections, dark night of the soul, death, griefwork, life, pain, polarities, sorrow, tarot, vocation, workAerin

Well, this little blog project, ‘In the Name of Rafa,’ just turned one. It’s hard to believe. Throughout these twelve months, I have done my very best to share thoughts, experiences and feelings boldly and humbly from the heart. Many things have happened: deaths and births, travels, workshops… and all kinds of feelings from love to exhaustion, from rage to elation, with the constant presence of deep sadness and deep gratitude; life’s two palms gently against one another in reverence.

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The Surprising and Unpredictable Path of Grief that Never Ends

July 29, 2019Uncategorizedanniversary, death, doctors, external, feelings, grief, hummingbirds, internal, love, miscarriage, mourning, path, stillbirthAerin

Leer este post en español.

It’s pretty constant now. The remembering. My thinking: “At this time last year, I was… we were…” Last day of work. Belly photos. Nursery painting. Baby shower. Doula arrives. Midwives’ appointment at the house. Last breastfeeding class. In-laws come for a visit. The pull of memories, regrets and nostalgia make it challenging for me to stay present in 2019. I’ve always been like this about the details of what happened on a certain day, in a certain year… even at a particular hour. It feels like a blessing and a curse – this year more than ever.

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The Days of Hell

March 2, 2019The Storyanger, bloodmoon, death, denial, family, intuition, isolation, loss, marriage, miscarriage, partnership, waiting, waterAerin

I do not want to be sitting here, writing this. I would rather be doing any other thing in the world. I have procrastinated for long enough and now, in the short time I have, I must write.

I was going to start this long overdue post by saying that time is flying. I was going to say that there are certain things I need to write about from the time right before Rafa’s death and birth so that I will never forget them. But now, time is mush. Time is nothing.

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