Leer este post en español.
I have a somewhat strange practice that I do at the beginning of each year. A while back, a friend of mine told me about las Cabañuelas: in some Oaxacan communities people believe that one can learn something about the upcoming year by paying a bit more attention to what happens in the first twelve days of January. Each day corresponds to an upcoming month. I like the idea of seeding intentions or understanding better what one could expect of the year, simply by being more aware during its first days. And so, since 2015 I have been writing monthly intentions for the year between the first and twelfth of January.
But since Rafa’s death, time is different – I no longer live it as a mere instrument to mark the passing of specific events. Though I’d like to still believe that time is divisible, limited, linear… I no longer believe it’s that simple. I now experience linear time as a trick. When I turned to the month of December in my calendar this year, I read the intention there, shook my head and laughed cynically. It said: “Enjoy the moments of feeling good and wellbeing. It is a time to celebrate a wonderful, magical year.”
Below that, in pencil, I wrote myself a note in response: “Fuck you, former self.”
Pero desde la muerte de Rafa el tiempo es diferente –ya no lo vivo simplemente como una herramienta para marcar una ocurrencia o evento en específico– . Aunque me gustaría creer que es así: divisible, limitado, lineal… siento que no es tan sencillo. Ahora experimento el tiempo lineal como una trampa. Cuando abrí mi agenda en el mes de diciembre este año, leí la intención y reí de mí misma con cinismo. Decía: “Enjoy the moments of feeling good and wellbeing. It is a time to celebrate a wonderful, magical year.” (Disfruta los buenos momentos y sentimientos de bienestar. Es el tiempo de celebrar un año mágico maravilloso.)
In the Name of Rafa 